I wish I could punch you in the face.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
