After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I need water and some morals
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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