I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
