Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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