You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
