I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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