So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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