You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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