Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
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The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
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we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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