The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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