I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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