I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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