turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
