Ambien. No doubt about it.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
