They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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