go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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