but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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