Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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