ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Randomize
