he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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