Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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