There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
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i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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