you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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