Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
