My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
