My liver just broke up with me...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm just crazy horny about you
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
