i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
