The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
