I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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