Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
