i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We are all done wearing pants today
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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