I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
