plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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