At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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