I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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