He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
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I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
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Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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