Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
