Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
