Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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