i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
