We got so high we made milksteak
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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