But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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