also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
