the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
