people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
