Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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