I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
