apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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