MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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