If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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