nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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